I will go without a fight and remain out of sight.

Tonight was the:

Last Time

I put myself in the position to be discarded and told to

Get The F* Out

by a loved one with a pattern of sudden flips into aggression.

May they enjoy the temporary high from being able to render me useless after taking my comfort and medicine. I’m sure it’s yielding returns better than the product they’re getting from Ivy Hall. They will not get another vocal hi from me.

I have had abrupt discards on more than one occasion from a few persons after I have gone out of my way to extend them love. It’s not always been “Get the eff out” – but it may be a “You’re fired from doing X!” or “Don’t come back to this state”!

To those directives – I will promptly comply.

I’m expected to “forgive” – which in their mind means keep giving them continual access without sufficient repair and accountability. They will end up looking for pity from others as if they didn’t demand that I depart. Yet, I’m the “coward” and “weak” one who needs to get “checked”… be real.

See today I spent over 5 hours traveling from out of state alone in a “last effort” attempt to get support in my own physical healing. Not long after my return, I received txts and an emotional call from a “loved one” where they articulated being in extreme “emergency” pain and needing me -> so what did I do? -> I drove 45 mins to see about them in a space where I had been formerly abused in -> by them. I hadn’t even unpacked from my solo travels.

Just Dumb!

Why did I show up for them? Partially because of their forever position in my life and wanting to honor that, but also because I know what it’s like to be in physical pain alone and to be fighting to stay here. It also felt good to be needed and to show up in ways that I miss in my new chapter.

But now I have decided:

No more.

I’m done being caught off guard like a deer in headlights. Idolizing a position/title over my comfort and wellbeing is a no.

This “loved one” remains comfortable cursing at me in front of my daughter. She will never be in a room with me again – where I, her mother, am being told to “Get the F* Out” or disrespected by a “loved one”.

Happy Mother’s Day Week To Me!

(Thankfully I’m done with these hallmark money sucking gotta perform holidays, each day is a call to celebration)

& to think this person once told me “you love your children by how well you treat their mother.”.

Seems like I continue to be called into showing myself, the mother, deeper acts of self love.

For this “loved one” to be able to move around and tell me to ” Get the F” out” – they not suffering that much physically.

It’s like they got a sudden healing so they could tap into disrespect.

Oh, the comedy -> silly me.

I was coaching them to calm down and removing myself to de-escalate so it wouldn’t turn physical (again).

I will stay in my own lane and not enter going forward (remaining unmoved by tears) -> I’m not going to wait until I’m elderly to learn this lesson.

If you the “loved one” are reading this – I advise you to secure ways for your out of state support to show up or to get you some local persons who can keep you from feeling “alone” when you are in pain.

Remember, I have rushed to your aid on more than one occasion (post- covenant termination). This last time you told me I could have told you to go to the hospital even if that would’ve seemed harsh instead of showing up as you tearfully pleaded by phone.

So be it. Emotional manipulation – flagged. Have it your way, again.

In your “healthier” -> ” I can get any B* to love me” state you declared that you could do better without me -> go do that and stop telling me you need me.

I know that you find call options to be profitable – I am not one of those for you! Go ahead and put me down -> don’t pick me up ever again, I don’t want you to hurt yourself further. You shoulda taken proper stock of me when I was in close proximity for over a decade.

Now that I refuse to be in rooms with you – you will have the joy of watching me propel & skyrocket over the bull…for real.

Thank you for helping me to one, two step deeper into my healing journey.

May other women and mamas do the same!

Stay EZ,