I have:

Done My Best

and still it’s all messed up.

Why try to speak and teach anymore? It does nothing.

I’m not even mad – I feel more hurt than anything. I feel sadness.

I feel very strongly that:

An Ounce Of Prevention Beats A Pound Of Cure

Yet, ppl act like they can’t hear my guidance and treat me like manure! Then they look at me when ish be hitting the fan and I’m like yall had the upperhand – this could’ve been avoided.

I feel like going silent and just to let everyone eff around and find out – on their own.

I love these people so much that I fully respect their learning journey. Some of us require a hands on personal experience – hearing it from someone else often falls on def ears. You wanna waste your years – fine!?!

I cannot do it anymore!

I be feeling so hated by the people I love the most!

I have no more words. I don’t want to explain. I don’t want to unpack.

I just would like to be done.

Perhaps take a page out of nature and just:

Be Silent

I feel so unsupported despite my prayers and reaching out for help.

I feel all these people just want to do what they want to do at my expense. & forget me – they are harming themselves yet don’t even know for real. Then just repeat and rinse.

I want no parts in any of this.

I’m using “I” a lot – clearly more death to self is required.

I own nothing.

I surrender. I cannot help anyone – not even myself.

Doing too much has been my downfall. The other day I called myself being a good mom and got my kids some cookies that were wrapped up at a dealership. What turned out to be act of love became a nightmare!

A kid sobbing cause he had to share, a man cussing out that kid, me trying to mediate the situation, me trying to console the child, me trying to make sure all sides were heard at a “family outing”, to being in the most toxic ghetto scene at a restaurant that I’ve ever been in, etc, etc, etc. All over some cookies!

Had I never gotten the cookies I wouldn’t have had the above. Such a monstrous experience over cookies – is that how The Cookie Monster got its name!

Something else happened – where I’m like had I not gotten the treat my life wouldn’t feel like a never ending trick-athon!

It’s best I do less.

I’m not giving anymore talks and coaching. Do what you wanna do.

Want to eff up my peace and my place….fine? Whatever?

I sat my sons down and apologized for having failed them. I told them it’s clear my teaching have not worked. I told them that if I could I would go lay in the woods and let the weeds just overtake me. I told them if I had a white flag: I’d wave it. I am now here on a blank page writing out of whatever is left of me.

I told my children I love them.

We are all together, but I’ve taken space to retreat until we meet face to face in a few.

Lonisa