I wonder why I keep my online shop and blog up.

I write here daily.

I am paying to share even though not many frequent here.

Whatever.

Gotta pass the time.

I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I’m over knocking on doors. I’m also over sharing.

I’d like to be done. So many days are a real push.

I pay about $40 per month for my Shopify store and I don’t have shoppers:

YET

See that’s the delusional hope and faith – that I cannot seem to shake.

I’m fine with having no rush of customers (YET) – I’d need the energy and strategy to even run that properly. Where is that at?

Sometimes I’m in shock about what I’ve walked away from and I really don’t even want what is next.

I’m fine shriveling up in the wilderness. My efforts to go back have failed and my desire to go forward is nearing zero.

I don’t want to keep being moving forward.

Can I stand still and just Jesus move toward me?

Please come get me and carry me the rest of the way. Is this the end of me? Is there more hope in me to destroy?

There is no meal I want. There are no more outfits to buy. There are no crafts I want to do.

I want to be through. I don’t need to “win” and against who? I surrender.

I want to just go in nature and sprawl out in a hidden field, until you remember me.

I feel so helpless when everyone else seems so useful and progressing. I plummet they skyrocket; looking at me in disgust! I’m sorry for being a poor steward of my entire life. I’ve messed up so much. Please let me be done. Please. I’ll love on my children, but everything else please just handle. Please.

Can I please be done with all these other things? I don’t want to be fighting anymore. I don’t want to knock on any more doors. There is nothing on this planet that I even want. Food is food. Clothes are clothes. Cars are cars. Work is work. Play is play. It’s all a chasing of the wind anyway. I also don’t want to start classes again next week.

When I say I want to be done – I really do. Everything is so noisy. I want to get rid of everything – all the stuff.

I do really want my black and white polka dot skirt to turn up though and that spicy red sweater too – where is it?!?

Do what only you can do on everything. Over to you.

Tomorrow, I’m going to clean up and just go sit outside wrapped up somewhere. If I could wrap myself in sackcloth I would. Should I order one off of Amazon?

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w/Love,

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