The Fight Against Doubt: “Never Been Successful” Mental Hurdle

I’ve been creating content for years. It appears to have:

No True Impact

On the lives of others and even, my own life.

As in, I don’t have a huge following, brand deals, or increase in my bank account for my efforts.

This hurts.

One time a loved one told me ” You’ve never been successful”. This was in terms of my content creation journey. That stung. It still does if I allow myself to think on it. This is why I must keep taking action when it pops in my mind – so I don’t go into a pit of despair.

Thing is there is truth to what I was told – if you measure success by those outer measurements.

What I do know is that I’m already successful?

I keep showing up and creating each and everyday. Do you know what kind of grit that takes?

God is enabling me to do this when I’m battling so many things personally in dang near every area of my life.

I’m to the point where I’m just creating to create lol

Eff this “Get paid to be me” desire! lol

Seems the more I’m in the fire and in obscurity – the more the “real me” emerges.

I’m not performing for you ninjagos!

Why? One day you’ll love me, the next day you’ll hate me. You follow quick, unfollow faster.

Take what you wanna take – I hope it helps you for however long you are in my realm.

There are a cloud of witnesses in heaven – cheering us on! We gotta fight! (See Hebrews 12)

I’m showing up cause if I don’t then the enemy wins! Eff the enemy, in the most disrespectful of ways!

Shoot – this is what my scalp looks like at the time of writing – after just washing my hair 2 days ago with medicated shampoo.

I feel overwhelmed by life. I feel stuck. I feel forgotten. I feel hated by God.

Yet…I show up! My scalp itches so bad! I know some ish is off with me internally – been known it for a while. Doing the best I can with what I have – which isn’t much.

As I lifted the scales of my scalp today and began to shed some tears – I reminded myself that I’m safe and will get through this! Eff these flakes!

I refuse to complain about the temporary challenges in my lane! I’m not lame, I’m capable!

One day, I will get to wear my hair out in a silk press without a flake in sight. My hair will be thick, long and to my tooshie! Where I have to do the most massive hair flip to move it out the way so I don’t sit on it when I take my rightful place as Queen of my empire!

I’m convinced that I’m not created for comfort. I’m created to battle and give it to others. Perhaps, one day I will get the soft life – but until then I gotta endure the hard!

Do you know how many days I say ” I hate it here!”? A lot.

Yet I know I can’t stay parked! I keep driving forward.

My daughter wants to see the world and loves the fancy life. My sons have big dreams.