I can 110% with confidence declare:

Don’t Do What I’ve Done

I’m not even going to:

unpack it all for you now – that may really make me snap off.

Now with the type of feedback that I’m getting concerning the work of my hands and overall life – I am questioning on if I actually made the right moves.

Don’t nobody say ish to me!

Maybe God is testing my heart to see if I will show up no matter what….can we be done with these tests? I keep giving my best on days where I aint got much left!!!

LEAVE ME ALONE!

(I guess that’s already being done – so just keep on with it then!!!)

I am going to find a way to make a living that is not tied to creating content. I don’t care what the job or role is…. I’m done. I quit. Hire me – I can do many things (not giving a pitch).

I am at “fake peace” with doing this because I can say that I did give it a solid go!

Now, I shined my light and it continues to be snuffed out.

It is written:

You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. – Matthew 5: 14-16

Father – it is on you! Do what you want – I just want to be done. I don’t know how to properly help myself in so many areas, although I have tried.

Let this serve as the record that I will never take credit for “outer success” in my life. Not my gifts, talents, health, finances, connections – none of the zones. and you know what those zones have ups and downs. I’m soo thankful to have inner success in the area of grit, determination, and endurance.

At boxing, one of the coaches said to me “you not motivated today”…something like that and I told him “naw, my motivation is deep”! He responded with something like “gotta pull it out”. It can never be taken!

Right now, it’s challenging for me to say to people “Jesus loves you” – when I don’t feel it myself. I’m not saying this on some emo-ness. I really feel hated, at times. By people – sure, what’s new there. Disrespect, betrayal, and abandonment – But by God – oh my gosh! That is a deep deep – sink into the Earth – can you make that stop pain?

Don’t read the above and think I don’t have much to be grateful for or that I don’t experience love from humans. Or feel loved by God. Can I share my feelings of despair or you want me to fake it? I only typed those two sentences to try to make this post feel “softer” for you. I will not put on a performance for you, but do hope that you feel a little more comfortable.

This is why I need to spend time in God’s Word so I can renew my mind with truth. I encourage you to do the same so you don’t believe the lie that you don’t matter or that you are not loved.

Let me badge in somewhere and just stop building whatever it is that I’m building. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m not read in on the plan.

I just want to stop. It would be very nice if this inner drive to press on could be turned off. Yet, even as I type this – I do like it. Ain’t that something.

Regarding my next actions:

Time to find a new trail in this life of mine that has been completely derailed, due to my own choices.

Although, I really want to be done you guys…I keep getting nudged to create and share – so I’ll keep showing up, but just know I hate it and find it to be cruel.

What is the point!?! Clue me in, puhlease.

Is it to break me into more pieces? Come pick me up off the floor please and dump me in the trash. I don’t even want to be put back together to be dropped again.

This scripture has popped into my heart:

 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. – Colossians 3:23-24

I’m accepting of this expectation. I don’t want to chase accolades as I value my freedom and I don’t like clutter. Any awards or certificates I’ve gotten – are stored away anyway. Can’t take it with me. I will pursue excellence as an act of worship unto the Lord.

As I plow through my feelings while holding onto truth – let’s laugh at how I tried to comfort myself with trail mix to be met with a surprise.

mmmm – mmmm – mmmmm – just gonna keep shakin my head!

Thanks for reading supporters (and lurkers).

Even if things seem “dumb” let’s not numb out with the things of this world! It is fleeting and not sustaining! & in many instances, leads to even more bondage and suffering. I know that if I let myself smoke, drink, and sex it up – I’d really be over the top! Saw what the drugs and messin with Bobby Brown did to Whitney Houston. Hard pass. I see how I am with bubble gum and sunflower seeds -> devoured quick and ready for the next re-up. Gotta not even dabble. I don’t want to be a participant in doing my own self in! You shouldn’t either!

You know how many of us are trapped up in stuff cause we been trying to numb out our pain!!!

Let’s not fixate on our circumstances or challenges too much. As pressing as they are – they are fleeting to.

Let’s fix our eyes on Jesus no matter what.

 Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. – Hebrews 12:2

Even though I don’t want to – I’ll go spend time in God’s Word. I will say that as I was ranting early this morning – I did feel the Holy Spirit comforting me – but I was still mad – like a toddler! Just going off! We can tell God the truth.

I’m also going to spend some time focusing on what is right before me. Like the gift of my children and safe, creative space. Going to go wash Queen Glory’s hair and attempt to do a bunch of twists for the first time, take her to a playground, and probably create some more – then go boxing later (a double workout day).

Note: This post was written at first with feelings of anger and despair – then was revisited when I was feeling more at ease.

Just laugh,