One of my favorite places to pour my heart out and vent is under:

Social Media Posts

When I’m having really rough moments I’ll often scroll and …

just type out what I’m feeling and go! I may see a post and think ” Oh, give me a break!” and not fake my feelings and type out what’s on my heart – then dip. Have you ever tried this?!? I did this yesterday told someone I was done, they read my comment, and they sent me an encouraging voice memo calling me by name – telling me that:

God Isn’t Done With Me

That was very loving. It was probably a 30 second clip. He told me:

Your Latter Will Be Greater Than The Former

The conversation didn’t linger. There was no unpacking. Just fire encouragement.

Do you ever hear someone speaking truth to you and you know they are right…but you are like “mhm, right!”. That’s how I felt with that voice memo. Like a ” I’ll take your word for it…cause my faith tank feels like it has bottomed out!”. Been keeping the faith for so long and continuing to move forward, but feel like what’s the point. That’s why I’m thankful to have this space cause I can just be and it’s a form of accountability. It’s like me checking for me. Me being here for me.

I find comfort reading comments on social media because I can see how we:

Humans

are going through so many trials and tribulations and trying to help each other. I mean some ppl are comically mean, but let’s give them a pass for now and laugh. You know when I see those super gangsta “It ain’t evaaa ovaaa” quotes on accounts – I laugh cause I’m like dang…what are they going through! What are all the people who are liking and commenting going through. Sometimes in the comments they will disclose and I’m just like dang. I’ll disclose my ish too,

I love Jesus, but idk where he is at. I told someone on social media this. They commented he is next to you. I looked yooooo – like I looked in my room and I didn’t see him… I scrolled off.

Breaking News: Wow! I just typed the above and then got reminded that Jesus actually was there -> maybe, I’ll show you guys the evidence one day. Jesus is with you too!

I kept sitting with my feelings and ended up deep diving on:

Evanescence

I really loved the rawness and grittiness – it felt very real to my emotions. Dark AF.

It annoys me that people want the bubbly only! They want the joys of a new baby, but not the pain of the birth canal! Lies over truth. Stay away from me.

I only wear bright colors and surround myself with it to balance out the darkness.

I got this “It’s My Day ” pin because ish feels the worst and I’m trying to convince myself that I need to keep living. People ask me if it’s my birthday when they see it – I’m like why are we waiting for a birthday to claim a day as our own to embrace!

Each time we wake up is an opportunity to birth something new! Use everything from your palette of life – stop shying away from the darker chapters – it gives depth.

Perhaps we keep the darkness hidden to “protect” people from the blinding light of truth that they refuse to face?

Light It Up

They may scatter, clap back, and attack. Take that as a twisted – Thank You.

I’m not going to act like I’m not surrounded by pain and destruction. But I have to be here and just take it, transform it, and create from it. I’ve got a lot to work with that’s for sure. This does excite me! I’m glad I didn’t have any face to face conversations yesterday and could just be with me. I didn’t feel like putting on some cheerful act – wanted to clapback.

I didn’t do ish!

At least not outwardly. It was an inner work day. Which is a heavy lift!

In fact, I woke up in my clothes from the day before and kept them on all day. I didn’t brush my teeth. Didn’t do my hair. Used the last of the toilet paper in one bathroom and didn’t replenish. I sobbed on the floor of The Creation Cave while staring up at my “Hooray! You’re Here!” sign – with googly eyes looking down on me.

Perhaps, God is waiting for us to sit in the silence that he owns and heal. Come on! We can do it! Put down the distractions and get on the surgical table!

I barely ate. Coffee, Water, Sunflower Seeds, Tea, and Liquid Chlorophyll Water. Sat in the rain, napped in it a little. Created and laughed at it.

I don’t want to be on and perform for anyone. So glad to not get that surface level “How are you?” question – when most don’t want to know the true response. They just want a cookie cutter – good. I won’t be giving that lie. To heal you have to feel. Don’t run from it. Roll with the pain. A stranger on the internet told me:

Pain Is A Pulse

Embrace it.

The other day I walked thousands of steps in the city in wedges. My feet began to hurt. Instead of trying to fake it – I leaned into it. Something strange happened – I liked it. Each step felt like a jolt of energy! Let’s unpack that later or maybe neverrrrrrrr.

I’m ready to destroy:

Lies & Illusions

I was watching a video that was talking about how some of this chronic fatigue that people experience isn’t even due to physical ailments, but due to a refusal to:

Embrace Who You Are

Now, why would we do that? Wounds and trauma that says be silent – scale back! To keep those around us comfortable and to have companionship – whole time they sinking you and not thinking of your well-being.

Selfish.

Take your shell of a self and swim off elsewhere!

I deserve to live for real. So do you! More voltage please!

REVOLT!

Stop suppressing!

Expand Into Expression

“They” can’t save you, but Jesus can! Call out! Over and over and over and over!

The drugs, sex, attention, shopping, eating, entertainment – all the ish that is happening under the sun is fleeting and unfulfilling. Always having to re-up! Probably, why I love Ecclesiastes.

What’s beautiful is that even in sitting with my pain – there were times where I felt waves of comfort from the Holy Spirit. Which felt very nice. They were like little tingles of I am with you.

May this post be your invitation to feel all the pain that you have buried. Let is rise up and release it. It’s okay to hurt – it’s a perk of being human.

Remember, that when the waves of emotions crash over you. Even if you feel abandoned – please know you are not. Don’t believe the lies – you’re not breaking – you are breaking through to you. That is a personal journey with you and God – don’t take the actions of others or lack thereof – personally.

I love you. God loves you more and cares about your total wellness.

Glad To Be Here,