Here’s the thing – I don’t call a person my friend:

Just Cause

they smile at me, hang out with me in a community, or even do something nice for me…

Friendliness and shared interests is not friendship.

The people I box with are not my friends. We train together, chit chat, laugh, and inquire about each others lives – but they are not in the trenches of my life. Many of them I see 4- 6x a week. Yet, we don’t know each other. Like do they know I have often frozen in my life out of fear and why that has happened? and how I find boxing to be a form of healing as it helps me to tap into my fighter mode?

Friendship is so much deeper than shared time and space. And you know what – even if you do get called a friend – that ish isn’t permanent. I feel that when a relationship gets titled – people end up acting wild (at some point). I don’t have trust issues, but I am aware of what it is to be human. I’m flawed, so are you, and so is everyone in this entire world. Yet, despite that:

We Need Each Other

I believe it’s best to hold relationships loosely – appreciate the breeze, but don’t waste your time trying to capture it. Brings more ease. Each conversation and act of kindness feels like a gift – not a -> gotta live up to this title obligation.

As open as I seem on here – I’m also a private person. So you can be around me and think you know me, but don’t know ish of true depth. I’ve found that being this way serves me well, until I’m inwardly unwell and need some kind of emotional support. There have been times where I’ve been going through it and been like dang:

Who Can I Contact –

that actually has my back?

and then let’s say I identify someone it’s like – Do I want them to know all that? Is this dumping? Do they feel I listen to them and are there for them too? Just blah blah blah.

Well – long rant – long – I may have come up on a friend. Our walks of life are sooo different, yet we are able to just be real about our choices and hopes. We don’t have each others phone numbers. We don’t even talk often. It’s a when I see you – I see you type of thing. Like if I look out my window and see him – then I may go sit with him on the bench and just talk.

I love this because it brings excitement. Sometimes I look out and don’t see him, but when I do it’s like -> HEY YOU!!!! 🙂

I hadn’t seen him in weeks and was very concerned. I was surprised by how much I cared for him. When he resurfaced my day was made. I made sure he know how much he was missed!

We all want to be known and not feel alone.

When we share our life happenings – there is no condescending tone of like you eff’n up – even if we are. Why? Cause we both eff’n up in our respective lives! bahahahahahahaha

It’s like oh you had this poppin awf – you might want to tighten up there – but let me share where things fell loose for me! bahahaha

I really appreciate him sharing his story with me and his hopes. I have done the same.

He smokes and I don’t. I don’t tell him to put out what he smokes when I go to sit with him. I have noticed that he is thoughtful – he will ask if it bothers me and sometimes it’s “naw, you’re good”. and sometimes – I do mind and can tell him safely. We are aware of each other and keep each other in mind.

One day I sat next to him (on the bench next to his) and he straight up asked me:

So, what is your story?

It caught me off guard. This was not that corporate line of questioning – where we are conditioned to showcase our best self. This question felt like:

Tell Me The Worst – I’m Here.

I leaned in and drew near to that. I shared with him some real nitty gritty ish from my life. Almost to set the tone for why I am the way I am. We were both like dang – yea -, but then also laughing at the same time. Over time, acknowledging that some of my experiences were wild and choices I made were sus, but at the same time like I mean……I get why you did what you did!

This has gone the other way too.

We are in each others present with a base level awareness of our true backgrounds.

What I like is that:

We are honest, but also loving.

There is no desire to cut. So we continue to keep our guards down – somewhat. Because of our challenges – we know that we have to be aware of each others potential to flip.

We can be like yea you should’nt have done that, but we’re not saying that to harm each other in anyway. Neither of us are scared of the other one going off cause we told each other the truth.

Like he did something wrong and has a serious consequence. I told him he did wrong and he is like yea I did. I understand why he did what he did and get it. Nevertheless, he is also accepting of the consequence. He will do wrong, but doesn’t hide it.

I told him something I did that I feel was a poor choice – but like I don’t really think it’s that bad – but the downstream impacts could be catastrophic. He listened. Told me that I probably gotta take an action – one that I know I should take…but don’t want to take…but will take. We laughed and acknowledged what I did – although understandable – has put myself in a position that could have me out here. We agreed to not worry. (insert nervous laughter)

I appreciate being able to unpack our choices and share the outcomes, but through a lens of love and not judgement. There is:

No Performance

AND we’re not trying to become each others projects. I’m not trying to impress him or even get him to want to be around me. I know how to be with me, but appreciate his company when I get it. Same with him – he isn’t trying to impress me and isn’t desperate for a friend.

We know how to be alone and keep moving along.

There are times I’ve seen him and said hi – and knew by his response that I was leaving him to himself. Not out of abandonment, but out of a – I get it. Do your thing.

Yet we acknowledge how sometimes we just don’t want to feel alone on our journeys. We talk about how even those who do come around often end up doing some sus ish – which is just like whyyyyyyyyyy.

I mean I was able to recently tell him how when I first saw him – I was on high alert and thought to avoid him. We laughed about it and he got it. But now, I look for him.

There is no type of flirting or romantic passes. His presence doesn’t make me feel threatened or uncomfortable in any way.

I’ve grown to trust him in ways that I do not trust others. I hope to keep being that for him – cause I don’t want to botch our connection. I want nothing from him other than for him to be him and to be a listening ear and to have tea and snacks with me sometimes. I don’t want to do anything to hurt him or make him not trust me or people further. He’s already been through a lot and so have I. He seems to be mindful of that too.

Even though I don’t know when I will see him again – I treat each encounter like it could be the last for a while. Although I do not perform, I do my best to show up well as I show and tell my scars and my desire to keep reaching for the stars.

Fine. I’ll say it. This is my friend. I will not tell him though. 🙂

I’m sure he knows – cause one night we were walking and he called me his friend. When I heard him say the F word – I just received it, but didn’t say it back. As we walked, he told me he knew I would protect us. I told him yes – to the end! But encouraged him to assist, by using his cane.

Do you have an unexpected friend? Share below.

Stay Open,