Alright, here is the truth as it pertains to me. My life has:

Crashed & Burned

I would not want anyone to have some of the experiences that I have had. I mean…

when I think on them – they become hilarious. Think about your epic fails and just laugh at the aftermath. Go ahead, let it out. Ish was effed up, right!?!

Last night, I was in my car cracking up and demolishing my 3rd bag of Dubble Bubble in under 1.5 hours.

My method is to take 2 pieces of gum ->chew for 3 mins, spit out, and repeat. I believe gum and sunflower seeds help me internally process, stay focus, and de-stress. Like I’m chewing thoughts out of my system. I was in my car just laughing at the thoughts that popped up in my mind. All by my own self.

Considered, taking myself to a club called “Drink Club” when I don’t even drink alcohol. Made me think of the club I saw over 10 years ago when traveling in Scotland! It was called “Sin”…bahahaha, tempting, but like bruh – I’m not going in there on the name alone! bahahahahahahahahah

Sometimes I wonder what’s the point of me trying to do right, when I get effed over anyway. You ever had that thought? I’m not even saying this on some victim ish! This is on some real life…I’m curious line of questioning.

I started to think “Eff It! I’m joining the world! I should just smoke, drink, and bust it open… let loose for real – like all these other ninjagos!”.

But then I saw the clip about how no one should be out past 10pm. And how the only thing that be open late at night – are legs and fast food spots! LOL Oh, and how aggressive minds be out at that time. Oh, and how the PO-PO (police) be on the prowl having already profiled peeps out at that hour.

So, yea. Not doing ish!

I don’t want that in these streetz life. I really don’t. Never been that way. I just want to create and serve at the highest level. Oh, and love in the healthiest ways possible. (and get the reciprocal).

Drove myself back to The Billionaire Bubble excited about the new blankets I picked up from HomeGoods and TJ Maxx.

Contemplated calling a loved one on private just to hear his voice, and then hang up. Didn’t do it, and won’t. How can one feel safe and unsafe at the same time? The complexities of being human. There will only be one who can create heart beats with me.

Finished getting my 10k steps.

Ooh’d, at how I now have all colors of the rainbow represented in blankets!

Covered in God’s Covenant

I want to be fully serving in my God given purpose. I also want to be around healthy, mature persons and communities.

Although, I create and share. It feels like it doesn’t matter. That is painful. I will keep going though because it’s better than crying and bed rotting.

But listen – if something in my life doesn’t start to improve – I mean just one area, … I’m going to invite yall to my first adult dance recital!

Standing tall in my decision too. You got 5 inch heels I can borrow?

Aye, I gotta do what I gotta do! Give myself an alias and get to twirlin’ in my birthday suit out in the country somewhere! All dancers matter!

Oh, don’t get your panties in a bunch. Yours are dirty too.

My life has been stripped bare – is the intent for me to bare all in a strip club?!?

I don’t want to perform for any type of payment.

I just want to be me for a living. Is that the point of being stripped bare? For the real me to emerge.

I mean, I have been liking what I see.

I’ve been trying to cover myself, but ish keeps being ripped away…like how a cover is yanked off in the middle of the night and you ball up.

How long do I have to hold this suffering line?

When do the tables turn? Cause I don’t want to be in a position to dance on them in front of people who care nothing about me.

Father, where are you!?! Please move. This is getting humiliating.

I recently saw this quote from the comedian, Martin Lawrence, that really stuck with me

On the other side of pain is comedy. – Martin Lawrence

That resonates with me deeply. Cause the accuracy is spot on.

When in the thick of these storms and coming to terms that your ducks are not in a row

– you have to keep going through and letting pain trickle off, while paddling your feet under water.

Once we get past that faltering stage – we reach laughter.

I’m talking the deep kind. Where you looking at chapters of your life like you weren’t the main character.

So that’s where I’m at now. Laughing at the aftermath of life and just letting ish be what it is.

I’m not going to these streets. I’ll keep crying out to God and seeking Jesus – as I weep and I move my feet. I don’t sugarcoat. I sometimes say:

“Thank you for this life that is effed up!”

” I effin hate it here!”

” Where are you Jesus!?!”

“God do you see me?!?”

“God, Do you hate me?!?”

You may read the above and think I am ungrateful and self centered. I don’t care. You not in my life and you aren’t helping me rebuild.

I’m real. I feel. I got ordeals.

I am thankful for these trials and know that an abundance of smiles are headed my way.

My dwelling space, The Billionaire Bubble, is filled with smiley faces and rainbows.

When I was worshipping at church today, I thought: this is better than joining the world. I just need to be with my Father! My heavenly one! He sees me. He loves me. He is with me.

I don’t want this world. I only want his presence. That’s it.

Cause all this stuff on Earth is fleeting and fickle.

I told God a while back that if I’m going to be here on this planet – he has to take over, really be with me.

I know he is here. This life I’ve lived, am living, and will live – ain’t even mine.

May his kingdom come and will be done in my life.

Baring It All,