Sometimes I wish I could:

Act Foolishly

like all these other people. I don’t want to be quiet and …

take the higher road anymore. I don’t want to sweep things under the rug and act like there isn’t a Mount Everest sized heap of unaddressed ish underneath.

You know what I’m talking about. You know there is wild questionable ish – but everyone just turns the other way or jokingly says “you know how they can be….”. Just eww.

Regardless though you forge ahead.

When the finalization of a major life change was underway – you now who was with me.

My Kids

I had to act like I wasn’t bleeding out and carry on business as usual. I didn’t have the luxury of recovering with human support.

When I sat down to order pizza for my family and came upon wild google searches revealing that I was being cheated on – I still had to feed my kids dinner like normal. I’d stay up late that night trying to get answers even though I had a new role at work that required me to be top notch. I’d share how he was adamant I meet this woman – so I met her and went so far as to give a hug. I brought this up – to be told: ” She went for the handshake – you went for the hug”. I’d ball my eyes out on the floor of my walk in closet with him sitting outside of it just watching me. I’d talk about what occurred and be told ” shhh” cause the kids.

I was never “playing” house – it was reality for me.

Everyone wants to act out of pocket on the low and wants me to be hush hush too.

Naw, ninjago. You move in the dark – I move in the light.

When I was being cussed out with hands eventually being placed on me – I was so focused on getting my kids out safely – that I had to stay composed. Thankfully, my sons didn’t see any of the physical activity – to the lurking “enablers” you are welcome.

When I’ve been going through my own medical challenges – I’ve took it like a champ – like ain’t ish off. I’ve even gone to help another when I’ve got obstacles too.

The month of May has really packed a punch, but as usual I fight back.

Perhaps, this is why I am:

Boxing Daily

To get some kind of physical release from the ish I’ve kept in.

I’ve been taking hits since childhood. Like for real, straight to the chest at maybe about 12 years young at full force by a grown NFL strong man – sending me flying back onto my bed gasping for air. I bounced back up – like ain’t ish happen. It wasn’t until recently that I remembered that plus a bunch of other stuff and been like…wait a minute…..this was not normal.

I’ve been conditioned to overlook and just go along with toxic – to cover it up so everything “stays together”.

I don’t want to be the bridge people walk on as they secretly go from doing one wrong to another.

Perhaps, this is why iceberg chunks of overgrowing skin cells encapsulate my scalp – making it feel like a super small sweater. I mean I wash my hair and then the next day – bam! This month has been such an intense flare up – but I also have had a lot of emotional manipulation in my realm. I remove the chunks – do my best to cover it up and look forward to the next time I can wash – hoping that these end up off the scene for real – truly a healthy surface.

Maybe the bridge is crumbling so the foundational structure can be addressed?

Word on the street is that the emotional reason for “Scalp Psoriasis” is suppressed feelings.

These feeling gotta come out cause…

I really want to able to straighten my hair and swing it for real, only wash it every 3 weeks.

Idk if I’ll ever get relief from all that I push through and carry – I don’t care anymore.

One thing I do know is that I am very strong through Christ and committed to my children thriving in all areas.

But goodness I want to be weak and taken completely care of to the point of wholeness that is evident to all.

I would really love to be able to do what other people do and just act a fool!

I won’t:

Cuss people out on the quickness.

Deliver let it rip like beyblade text messages.

Dip out from core responsibilities to recover.

Pull hair and lay hands (later saying “be glad I showed restraint”)

It’s good I don’t speak cause the truth I deliver will TKO many.

I’m silent because I don’t want my words to become violent to the point of no return,… but perhaps that how some best learn?

Would God really be upset if I called people a B.A.N. like they’ve done a child of mine?

Stay banned,