Life altering experiences can have us thinking that a loving God, actually:

Hates Us

I consider myself to be a person of high faith, but recently I found myself telling God, “I feel like you hate me!”.

I know it’s not true, but the experiences have been just that painful. So weighty that I’m like,

God, where are you!?!?!?!

A couple weeks ago, I was on the floor sobbing and then paused to see if there was some kind of angel or something in the room to comfort me – just to feel less alone. You know people have those experiences! I saw nothing lol other than a trail of tears and slobber on the floor, like the mucus trail that snails leave behind. Yea, that was my companion. I was going to take a video of the scene to help myself feel seen with a voiceover saying:

“Here is the spot where I died a little”

…but my dang phone was out of memory space (you’ve been spared, bahahahahahahaha). So I got myself up off the floor.

Then at about midnightish -> I went and put on a dress and danced in my living room. Felt so much better, after expressing myself through dance and song. Even that is God’s nearness, as he created our bodies for movement and music.

Get this. A week after my dramatic collapse to the floor, I was happily creating in the same spot where I had been sprawled out wailing.

I smiled because I happened to be putting together this cross kit with my daughter, Queen Glory.

The same spot where I was in distress is where God reminded me that Jesus died for my mess. Jesus felt our pain before we ever did. That is comforting to me. Made me think, wow, you were with me! You saw me when no one else did! Jesus loved me before I had the capacity to express my love back.

In reflecting, I believe the care that God gives us might look like confronting our emotions head on, feeling fully, and releasing our sadness. This is a deep work as it means being naked and unashamed with our pain – not covering up like Adam and Eve did when they were trapped in sin.

The timing of these healing moments can be quite inconvenient. Like the time, I was headed to a gathering and was holding back tears in the car. I tried to suppress them, but the tears kept rising up. I pulled into a parking lot to get myself together. While in the lot, I saw a couple that was all lovey dovey. They had, what I was grieving. I was really upset that God would do that to me. You know I’m sad, but let me pull into a lot to see what was going to be out of reach for me?!?

CRUEL! CRUEL! CRUEL!

I cried more in the parking lot and as I looked on, was happy for the couple. I wanted the best for them despite the destruction that had hit that zone in my life.

In reflecting, I believe God wanted me to not stuff down my sadness. Again, to release it.

It felt like God was trying to hurt me, but I believe he was positioning my heart to heal – giving me what I really needed.

There comes a point in walking with God where we have to confidently know that he cares about our well-being even when life is bursting at the seams and all we want to do is scream.

I don’t know what you are going through, but please:

Cling to Jesus.

Know that he cares for you. The stuff in this world that we can use and do – to numb out – does not work. Even that dance I did at midnight by myself – brought temporary relief. I’ve sobbed since then.

Last night, I drove til dang near 3am, blasting throwback R&B jams, with 2 Jumbo Blow Pop Suckers and sunflower seeds… with no destination in mind. Helpful and fun -> yes! But it did not get rid of my undercurrent of pain. I still got back to my dwelling spot craving God’s presence.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30:

I just wanted to tuck into my secret place with the one who knows me more intimately than anyone ever could – he formed me. He formed you. He knows you are suffering – may that draw you to Jesus and not to this world.

“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep.” John 10:14-15:

This world’s offerings are fleeting and come with hooks.

The outlets, even the healthy ones, are like little valve releases, helpful -> yes, the ultimate fix -> no.

Please listen to me and if you refuse, listen to Solange (she tried the worldy distractions too LOL):

I’m so sorry for all the pain you’ve experienced in life!!! The people here (you and I included) are flawed and this world is broken. Go look at the stories of suffering on the internet. This is a conversation I had tonight with an unknown man, underneath a Janet Jackson love ballad video on YouTube:

I mean dang! This is just one man. I’m in group chats and see suffering everywhere. It’s a lot sometimes. I really would like it to all stop and for people to experience relief – for real. I see it happening, as we share our pain inviting love in! There is much beauty here right alongside the unraveling. May God’s kingdom continue to breakthrough to here!

Let’s run our race while doing our best to stay in God’s presence.

We are loved!

I don’t even know how to end this post.

I have nothing -> other than encouraging you to spend time in God’s Word (Bible) and worship, get comfort there (best place to be!). Don’t believe the lie that you are unsupported and/or unloved. I enjoy listening to this Psalms YouTube video – it’s filled with all the human emotions -> the ups and downs that each one brings. I’ll listen and be like…hmm yes that’s how I feel.

Find Christ-centered community. Even in this, know you’ll probably experience pain there lol – the broken-ness is in the churches too. That’s why the people, like me are attending. Give the love you can give and be thankful for the love you receive – all other experiences forgive and charge it to fallen humanity.

Go create with the intent to serve others using your gifts and talents.

Consider finding 5 people who are suffering on the internet and go encourage them. This will help you to not fixate on yourself and magnify your suffering even more.

I hope this post helps you. If so, share it with your family and friends.

How are you really doing? Share below, I’d love to pray for you and encourage you.

Love,