Truth is. I want to hideout and not engage with humans until I get to Heaven.
Since that isn’t feasible and will be detrimental to my wellbeing….I force myself to:
Go be around humans…
Light touch engagement tho.
I don’t want to talk to nobawdddddy.
Today, when the pastor told the congregation to stand…I was like..psh…I aint doin ish….be glad I’m up in this place not having a complete tantrum.
At some “let’s stand” directives…I didn’t stand. HMPH! I sat down and colored since that is what it has come to. The ish I color in a coloring book gets more love than the ish I take days to draw by hand.
My life purpose is coloring and walking 10k steps per day?
That’s why I went to college?…to find solace in seemingly ‘toddlerish’ activities.
At least my loans are gone….but still….dumb.
At moments of extreme frustration, I barely want to talk to God…and sometimes I won’t…until I have to.
I’ll just do my 10k steps in silence and then finally I break and snap off.
Like when my kids are mad at me and I’m like… just tell me….I already know….soooo I
Tell God the truth.
Straight up told God I feel he isn’t doing good when it comes to me. Why does he have me leapin into this and that and blah blah blah?… and they fall flat.
Yall better be careful singing that ” You can have it all” song…..cause shoot…all your ish might just go buh bye!
Maybe this is good…I want God to know that my love for him isn’t contigent on me having the soft life. Like…it’s okay…
SIKE! BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH…
(I high key wanted to check my bank account to see if that line above…was gonna get me some funds…bahahahahahah….dang…should I…naw I won’t…God cannot be manipulated…he aint man and will nip that in the bud)
No, but for real. Our relationship with God cannot be rooted in having great experiences all the time. If we only love God when everything is on the “up & up”…it’s not love. It’s a
Fickle fan club relationship.
Fans switch teams, ghost, and drag the ones they claimed to have “loved” the most. Even some of the “Beehive” is stingin’ Beyonce. Who woulda thought?
After my snap off…I start to feel a little like dang…let me tell God thank you…clean it up a bit…cause I know I have a roof over my head and food and soo much to be thankful for.
Nevertheless…
I want off of this Punk’d Plan!
I’m sure you have experiences that have left you disillusioned and it’s like….
…yea yea yea…God is good all the time. But ish doesn’t feels good all the time.
God already knows. He made us. He knows when we’re ticked awf. He also knows how to help us when we don’t know how to help ourselves.
The whole “your latter go be greater than the former” verse (Haggai 2:9) … while that is true…so is grief.
It is painful watching parts of our life crash to the ground.
In the Bible, we learn of a man name Job who lost soooo much…yet was greatly blessed and restored in his latter years. Despite, him being being restored…he still had to be consoled from the grief he experienced.
…and they bemoaned him, and comforted him over all the evil that the Lord had brought upon him…. Job 42:11
We can’t act like the painful ish isn’t happening.
I tried that with one of my kids! It backfired.
Suppression will have us regressing,
when we want to accelerate into our next!
A year ago, I switched up one of my son’s bday from being at the house to being at Great Wolf Lodge. I had my reasons. To compensate for the change of plans I went all out and secured a suite and a surprise guest! When he expressed dissatisfaction and was crying on the way to Great Wolf Lodge…I was annoyed. I’m thinking….”I’m getting you a suite and this and this and this”…I know it’s a change but this is “better”. He reminded me that he could be sad about not having the celebration he was expecting at the house. He was looking forward to that version of his bday…and you know what … that is okay to grieve.
Grief doesn’t have to look like a major life change it could be plans being rearranged.
It’s like God was telling me, “Lonisa YOU can be sad!”.
My thoughts on that…..
NOOOOOO! I don’t wanna be sad cause I need to be doin ish….like creating and being impactful. Not this touchy feely….cry ish…it’s not effective. It’s a distraction from real work!
Prob why I’m in timeout right now – God is like no….you go cry and have a fit…so you don’t botch the next chapter.
On one of my walks (prob a year ago)…God told me that I didn’t need to perform and that he loved me completely. Something like that. I thought hmm…
The invitation to just be…in whatever being state -> feeling the multilayered emotions.
See if you have hard time when others are sad…you probably have buried grief that you are running away from processing. It may feel like too much.
When your kids or loved ones cry…what is your response?
Let the tears flow!
Let the screams emerge!
My coping mechanisms are sunflower seeds, blowpop suckers, Bubble Yum ( I can go through 2 packs….in about 30 minutes lol…chew..spit…chew spit…. I put 2 pieces in at a time), nerd rope, and tea.
These coping mechanisms are starting to lose there potency.
Which means…facing more pain…head on…efff get me outta this lane!
That’s probably why God won’t allow any of my ish to actually take off cause he knows I use my creativity to avoid.
When reality feels tough…to my imagination I will goooooo.
The more pain I’m in – the more I create art and skits!
When I drop like 8 IG posts in a day…yea I’m probably on the run.
Oh another coping mechanism…watching YouTube videos on it being my time of breakthrough..bahahahahahahah…yea, those are getting old. Like what am I breaking through to…some more effed up ish lol
The way this Punk’d Plan is setup I go inception mode and fall into more shiz niz.
I told God to have yall stop with these “I gotta word” messages lol cause it be cyclical. and many use that safe harbor line of ” take this message to God…not everything is for you”….bahahahahaha
Shoot….are any of these messages for me?
I say not.
One time I put a slice of cake in the freezer as a prophetic act of faith…because I was convinced that I was gonna have much to celebrate!
Umm….yea…ended up celebrating my life going to straight shiz niz.
I have to laugh – I already ugly cried and yell’d in my car today like I was giving birth in the wild….then got out my car and walked into Anthropologie with my gold sparkly heels on… like I didn’t just healing cry so hard that I wanted to throw up in a bag holding all my gum wrappers!
I was in there trying on clothes, as if….I have people to actually hangout with.
I was in there trying on clothes, as if….my phone be blowin up with opportunities and my schedule overbooked.
What a grand slam scam!
Ladies… did hype me up in there and told me ” I had to get the clothes”…I wanted to say ” I aint gotta do ish”…but I just smiled.
Plus they work there…so although the clothes looked good on me…may be other motives like….buy from us!
Dag nab…. I wanted them soo bad. The sequin pants I wanted are $200 plus.
Now while I could tap into my savings and get that ish…I will chill.
I’m committed to feeling and creating until I unlock the MIU MIU level!
I don’t know what you are going through, but I encourage you to tell God everything.
Be real
… and watch a very real God help you overcome your odds.
Despite the pain we experience from others we still need the support of others. That’s a fact.
Today, I was nearly driving with a flat tire! I’m glad God made me aware of the problem and I was prompted to act by seeking professional help. A man kindly filled my tires for free and informed me that the tire was at a pressure 10 (dangerously low).
Don’t mash on the gas
when you are gasping for air!
If you need help rising higher, step out and look around. God has people stationed to support you.
You don’t know me for real, but I hope to encourage you with my life experiences. Perhaps, they will help get you off of your Punk’d Plan.
Come back soon so we can laugh at life and maybe cry too.
Stay Lit,
Lonisa Mari 